Get Explicit: Communicating Exactly What You Want And Expect In Your Relationships
Get Explicit: Communicating Exactly What You Want And Expect In Your Relationships
In relationships, we often miss the mark with communicating because we assume that we are on the same page about things. Often, we aren’t even doing this consciously, instead its working overtime in the background and wreaks havoc on our relationships.
Being explicit can even come down to the definition of various words and understanding of those words and their uses. When you first begin to get explicit with your desires and expectations it may feel like you are “talking things to death” or over-communicating, but I assure you that you are not.
Being intentional in our communication is necessary for polyamorous and other open relationships to thrive. I would argue that these are necessary skills for monogamous relationships as well.
When we identify what we think, feel, and want and are able to communicate that effectively all of our relationships will benefit.
Being able to understand yourself is the key first step in being able to share those parts with partners. Differentiation of self is an essential first step in doing so.
Some questions to ask yourself that contribute to differentiation of self:
Will I take the emotional risk of sharing what is on my mind in the face of our differences?
Am I proactive with communication and take the time to initiate discussions even when they are challenging?
Do I have a desire to know and understand myself better?
Am I able and willing to share what is upsetting me without the fear and anxiety of rejection or conflict getting in the way?
Can I trust that my partner(s) want to know my concerns and they want to know and understand me better?
Can I contain and work with my defenses when hearing things I dont want to hear or disagree with?
Differentiation from Partners
Some questions to ask yourself that contribute to differentiation from partners:
Can I actively listen without arguing or getting defensive?
Am I able to ask questions to better understand my partners experiences?
Do I express curiosity for my partners experiences that are different from mine?
Can I notice and manage emotional contagion to better show up curiously with partners?
Will I put myself in my partners shoes to better understand their experience outside of my own?
Am I able to notice when I have taken a misstep and repair quickly?
Honestly, differentiation of self and of partners can be utilized in all relationships to great impact.
If you have found yourself feeling overwhelmed or experiencing shame when reading these questions, you are not alone. Most of us could use some skill building and practice when it comes to differentiation of self and differentiation from partners. As a couples therapist and AASECT certified sex therapist I have never met anyone professionally or personally that is 100% differentiated. I do not believe that is possible, we are all working on ourself and our relationships forever with the hopes of becoming more differentiated and supportive people for ourselves and our loved ones. Seeking the support of a couples therapist trained in the Developmental Model of couples therapy is a great way to find support toward a more differentiated life.
